May 19, 2013 Post #9 If You Seek Amy

 Oh Comedy Central, you've done it again. When I've seen the fifteen-second previews of Inside Amy Schumer I laughed so hard I almost cried. This woman is truly histerical. Granted, her humor is for mature audiences, I think it is hilarious. WARNING: the following blog will contain material not suitable for audiences who have dissatisfaction with crude humor.

Amy Schumer, in the soon-to-be-aired episode The Horror, admits that when she is a scared, she farts. I blew chunks when I heard her say this and then my face turned red, dripping in tears when I heard her break wind. I've tried to hard to find that preview clip, but to no avail, I was unable to find the clip. However, tune into Comedy Central on Wednesday, May 22, 2013 at 12.31am or 2.03am to watch the episode it appears in or again at 8.57pm on Friday that same week.

Now, if you are sensative to this type of humor and are still reading, I suggest that you turn back now and run and hide. It only gets worse from here. In her show, Amy Schumer faces many difficulties including regrets regarding one night stands, getting on planes, auditioning, figuring out sexting, visiting a testicle-themed restaurant, interviewing a stripper, quitting her porn career, refusing to accept a compliment, discovering her boyfriend has aids, getting a bad haircut and making out with Amber Tamblyn. That's just a day's hard work for Amy.

Now dear readers (if there are any left by now), you may be concerned about the state of our country if this is what the unwashed masses find humorous. Actually, if you were the kind of person to be concerned about the state of our country, you would have left this blog a few paragraphs ago running and screaming to the nearest chapel. (Just a little joke, no offense and in the words of Homer Simpson, "Praise Jebus.") But lets say, for the sake of the argument that you, my audience, is concerned that this is humorous to the public. You probably should be worried. Remember when we were kids and we found fart noices made from the underarms or behind the kneecaps to be hilarious? Actually, it still is, but I'm assuming my audience has matured past me. Well, while some few intellectuals have risen above that kind of crude humor and now find humor in reading articles and political cartoons in The New Yorker that quite honestly make my head hurt. 

If the majority of our country can be entertained with the humor found in elementary playgrounds, what does that say about our country? Maybe the Communists were right. (Just kidding, we've been learning about Communism and Socialism for the last past year and a half and I still have no idea what that is so have no fear CIA, I have no ulterior motives.) What will happen to this country if we continue down this path of degradation? I forsee something to be like this.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSLlJXnFEwI

Tell me, if this does not scare you.

Irony alert, the makers of this clip are the producers and creators of the Fox show, Family Guy, one of the most innapropriately funny shows I've ever seen.

Just kidding, this is probably just another negative stereotype abused by comedians and comics for laughs and there is no need to panic for the state of our country. But, if you have the opportunity, maybe once you will chose to get out of your Lay-z-Boy chair (haven't seen one of their commercials in forever. Do they even make those anymore?) with the perminant-butt-indent, butt away your cheap beer and television remote and go outdoors and possibly use that book for something other than a coaster and a table balancer? Please? The fate of this country is in your hands.

May 19, 2013 Post #8 JcPenney's Advertising Equality

Typical advertisment from a JcPenney catalog

In the advertising world, just like in the Merchants of Cool on PBS's Frontline, change in order to come out on top is key. Finding the new thing to push boundaries and gain more revenue is the name of the game. Now, JcPenney is stepping up to the plate and taking a swing. Recently, in a JcPenney advertisement, they included families that aren't typically depicted in advertisement.

 

JcPenney's daring plung into a new world of advertising ended in the firing of JcPenney CEO Ron Johnson for allowing the advertisements to hit catalogs and commercials. When Ellen DeGeneres became the spokesperson in JcPenney commercials, the floodgates opened and were unleashed unto the public. Organizations like the American Family Association frowned upon JcPenney's decision to depart from the store's longstanding values. Soon after, the American Family Association's One Million Moms complained, but Johnson stuck with the ad campaign. Then, two more direct hits occurred: Mother's Day and Father's Day. Immediately after the two traditional days were disrupted with what the American Family Association would not call traditional relationships, JcPenney stock dropped and never recovered. And following after, Johnson was fired.

Personally, I applaud JcPenney for taking a stab at diversity but I can't help noticing that, while they have made a significant move toward advertising equality, there is no ethnic diversity. All I see is white. White faces, white clothes and white furniture. You'd think that if JcPenney is taking such a risk as this, they could throw in a couple of non-white people. Why not hit the trifecta? Interracial homosexual parents raising ethnically diverse, crippled children. That would take the American Family Association for a surprise.

Now this is more like it! Not a giant slab of white spread across a blank page. I could focus on the irony of it being a black friday ad when they decide to be more ethnically diverse, but there is probably nothing behind it. (P.S. I'm not a racist. It may seem that way, but if it does, doesn't that make you, dear reader, the racist one?) CRISSCROSS.

Nevertheless, I am proud that JcPenney is taking the challange, or a least tried, at attempted advertising equality. Progress is still progress, and while the American Family Association has its rights to disagree with JcPenney's advertising techniques, it is unfortunate that because of their beliefs JcPenney's CEO was fired and an advertisement aimed at advancement was squashed.

Possible techniques used in the JcPenney ads were testimonial because of the use of Ellen DeGeneres and plain folks because, despite what the American Family Association believes, these families shown above are typical and there was nothing really special about them, except for the fact that they appeared in a JcPenney ad and caused a scandal in the advertising world.

May 19, 2013 Post #7 Every Kiss Begins with SHUT UP!!

See these before? Well, if you have my deepest sympathies. If you haven't, you're in for a treat! On the left we have the Open Heart pendant from Kay Jewelers and on the right we have hand-wrapped boxes from Jared. Both Kay Jewelers and Jared have made multiple commercials depicting their glorious jewelry. Now, take a look and see what these fine jewelers have to offer!

Isn't that idyllic? Not to mention a little creepy, these commercials are heartwarming, charming, entertaining, and utterly DETESTABLE. These commercials are so indescribably horrible that words alone cannot convey the feeling I receive from these commercials. Okay, that's kind of a stretch, but still, these commercials are BAD. The first one has a GPS system that traps the man inside the car just to have the jewelry from Jared. Did anyone else after watching this immediately turn to look at their car in fear? I know I did. Is that what you wish, people from Jared? You wish to instill fear into the lives of your potential costumers? Is it even possible for a GPS system to do such a thing? If so, how does one disable a GPS system to avoid this situation?

In the Jared commercial, there are the need for prominence and the need to feel safe. The prominence is shown by the glistening jewelry that the freakazoid-GPS devilishly desires and the safety issue is the demonic satalite that captures the owner in his car. There could be the technique of plain folks because the man is plain-looking, has a plain-car and a plain-yet-psychotic-built-in-GPS, however this is juxtaposed with the technique of snob appeal because of the dazzling jewelry he just purchased (the juxtaposition could be seen as a transfer/association technique). There is also Wit and Humor, because of the GPS system coming to life and locking the man in the car and simple solutions, because the GPS was psychotically mad at the man until he gave her the jewelry from Jareds, proposing the idea that only Jareds' diamonds can calm down psychotic robots.

In the Kay Jewelers commerical, British actress Jane Seymour is shown drawing illustrous, red hearts on a pale yellow canvas in a warm, cozy yet spacious room that form the design for her Open Hearts Collection at Kay Jewelers. Once again there is the need for prominence, because, well, it is a jewelry commerical after all and that is the definition of a need for prominence. Techniques used were testimonial, because it was Jane Seymour, snob appeal probably based upon the stereotype of Britsh people being of a high class and having expensive taste, and gestalt because of the color scheme and the music used in the commercial to lighten the mood and make it very soft.

Now that all the boring, smart-sounding crap is out of the way (no offense to anyone who liked the smartitude of the previous two paragraphs...please don't mark me down for calling it crap...) we can move on to the fun stuff. So basically what Jared is trying to tell us, the dumb audience, is that their jewelry can keep psychotic robots, girlfriends, mistresses, wifes, ex-wifes, mother-in-laws, mothers, aunts, cousins, sisters, you name it same...only buy purchasing one of their produces at several convinient locations! And Kay Jewelers, if I hear "every kiss begins with kay" one more freaking time, they will have to have change their slogan to "every cry begins with pain". (Just kidding, a little bit too far on that joke, sorry bout it. And dead** audience, just know that I am completely harmless and one hundred percent, not crazy. I repeat: 

Why am I so darn funny?! Anyways, that's the show for tonight folks, so now I leave you with two commercials I think should have been used instead of the two posted above. THESE commercials below show true quality, integrity and above all, making fun of over people and posting it on the internet. Ah, to live in the twenty-first century.
 

 

(**dear, that was a typo, lol)  

May 12, 2013 Post #6 Screw the Rainbow

No. Stop. Leave right now. Do you realize how many times I've seen a Skittles commercial and ACTUALLY tried to grab the rainbow just to try and taste it? More times than I'd like to admit. And when I've tried, I've always failed and I blame YOU Skittles company! I did what you said and you failed me! What if I stood on a hill, tried to reach for a rainbow during a thunderstorm fell off the cliff, got struck by lightning and then cut by a flying chainsaw and then a cat peed in my wounds and I got stung by a scorpion! That's a lawsuit right there, Skittles! How can you even sleep at night? Shame on you! What if someones less healthy than me did exactly what I did and they didn't survive or worse? They were raped! Could you live with yourself, Skittles company? Do you even care about costumer service? Or do all you care about is a paycheck.

I have so many problems with the picture on the right that I have no idea where to start. What if someone was allergic to Skittles and because they could not eat them, they cut off their own tongue, just because Skittles told them to?! Does that make any sense Skittles company? Do you think that people who dislike Skittles do not deserve to have a functioning muscular mydrostat? Is that what you are saying? You wish harm onto others who dislike Skittles? What kind of misanthropist wrote this ad?

What happens if someone doesn't love the rainbow? Would you cut off their tongue too? Or would you do something entirely worse, Skittles company? And what if someone lost their sense of taste. Are you going to kill them just like you killed the people who don't love Skittles? What kind of monster are you!? You make me sick. What would your mothers say, Skittles company? It is Mother's Day, after all! What would they do if they knew you were tongue-butchering murderers? I think they would be appauled as I am.

In a more serious tone, I believe that Skittles' target market is probably someone with a low IQ, close to the mentally-retarted line. The person has a few bucks lying around the house and likes eating fruit-flavored

Family Guy, Season 4, Episode 6 "Petarded"

candies. The target market would apply to people of all genders (male, female and ostrich) of all ethnicities, personalities, lifestyles (except for those who dislike Skittles, those people's fates are mentioned earlier), attitudes and values. Basically, if you eat Skittles, you are an average person. Congradulations. You've succeeded.

And now to return to the more interesting facts I leave my audience captivated, inspired and possibly having a slight feeling of Vergangenheitsbewältigung. The number one question I have come across in my one second of research and from personal experience is as follows. Does ingesting yellow Skittles kill serpmatozoa in the human male? According to several middle school playgrounds: yes. But according to Wiki-answers: no. And there y'all have it! So feel free boys to eat all kinds of Skittles: yellow, red, and black-with-fuzzy-looking-lint-that-you-found-in-your-pocket we don't discriminate. And girls, don't eat yellow Skittles as a form of protection. It will not work. You get pregnant. And you will regret it. FOREVER. If this applies to you, please visit the following website for further information: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

May 5, 2013 Post #5 Reese's Falling to Pieces

What happened Elle? You went from Delta Nu to Harvard, and now to TMZ? Luckily for the Harvard graduate, she won't need to hire representation during her court date.



Nothing personal against the actress, and no disrespect intended but, what happened? Apparently, the actress had "one too many" glasses of wine, along with her husband, and she panicked when they were pulled over. During her husband's field sobriety test, Reese got out of the car and began verbally, for lack of a better word, abusing, the Georgia state trooper. She questioned, "Do you know my name?" and added, "You're about to find out who I am!" And when she was handcuffed she was beyond belief. Later, on an interview on ABC, Reese said, "There are so many lessons learned," and that "When a police offer tell you to stay in the car, you stay in the car."

  Again, no disrespect, but really? You're saying that we DO have to listen to the law enforcement? INCONCEIVABLE! And just because you are an U.S. citizen, doesn't give you the right to stand on American ground and ask any question you want to ask, especially in the face of the law. And then, don't tell the law enforcement officer, "you'd better not arrest me," that's a sure-fire way to be arrested. Didn't you learn anything from your time as a lawyer? Apparently not, because you believe that just because you are an American citizen, you have the right to rudely confront police officers and be offended when they charge you. It is that beyond. And Reese, you were harassing him, not you, an American citizen, being harassed by a Georgia trooper. And you honestly didn't know that you had to obey the law enforcer's orders? That's a new level of low that even Chelsea from That's So Raven couldn't even hit. And she tried hard. And just because you are a famous celeb doesn't mean A: people know you who you are every single place you are and B: just because they do recoginize you, doesn't give you special privileges. Like you said, you are an American citizen. Not a special citizen. And what is it with you and America? Obstructing justice leads to being un-American?

However, kudos to you Reese for acknowledging your wrong-doing, on national television, was in fact, wrong. Most celebs don't have the guts or woman-power to do that. And, fellow readers, keep in mind that this kind of thing happens more frequently than we realize, it's just not highly-publicized by media because the people aren't "worthy of mentioning" so in a way, that police officer should've known who you are, Reese.

It is unfortunate the amount of coverage this story received by various media outlets and it really shows that the unwashed masses really prefer the more superficial, scandalous news reports than the genuine reporting my friend Ron Burgundy (shown above, center) did back in the 1970s. And because of the hungry masses waiting at the chained fence of media, begging for just a drop of juicy gossip, advertisment is there to work it's magic to confuse the poor, hungry audience and manipulate them at their weakest moment. 

But don't worry Reese, I got your back! Delta Nu sisters forevs! 

May 5, 2013 Post #4 Lovin' that Mark



Gucci label

Gotta get me some of that Gucci. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. That's all I hear, that's all I breathe, that's all I live...Gucci. Anything that's not Gucci just isn't worth buying. It isn't worth living. DIE INFERIOR BRANDS. Gucci is the only one worthy of buying. I only wear Gucci clothes: Gucci shirts, Gucci shorts, Gucci socks, Gucci pants, Gucci sweaters and Gucci tighty-whities. I want Gucci all over my body. I only look like Gucci models. I'm only friends with people who look like Gucci models. Anyone else who doesn't look like Gucci models are just the spawn of the devil. The Devil Wears Prada. PROOF. No movie is ever titled, The Devil Wears Gucci. And if there was it would be more like, The Most Excellent Archangel of Heavenly Goodness Wears the Most Exquisite, the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel of the Holy House of the Italian Company, Gucci. This movie, soon to hit theaters near you, if the proof anyone needs to see that Gucci is the right way of life. And I'm gonna let my girl Serena van der Woodsen back me up here:

                                                                                      

Obviously, only people like svdw would wear Gucci perfume because only people like her are worthy. Only our kind is worthy.

I mean, look at what a simple puff of perfume does to her! At first, she's trapped in a transparent glass box-thing and then she whips out her perfume and we're all like, "Shut the front door! Is she...she's really gonna, she's really gonna do it!" Then she struts out of an elevator, then in slow motion she spritzes the perfume on her neck and we're all silently freaking out. And now she's looking back out on the world from the very same box she was trapped in and she has a completely different outlook. Gucci perfume is so powerful that it then transports her to a desert, back to the elevator, and then back to the desert to great a giant fan, blowing that Gucci perfume into the atmosphere. She then leaves the elevator, ready to take on the world.

This is what Gucci can do to your lives! It takes you from your trapped, dismal life and transforms you into someone worth being. Someone people will look up at in admiration. That is why I only buy Gucci. Because it makes something out of an ordinary person like world-famous Serena and makes her so much more. 

Gucci isn't just a label, it's a way of life.

XOXO,

Precious.

For those of you who thought this was serious...I am deeply sorry. Every single part of this content was to make fun of consumers wrapped up in a world of "lovemarks". I deeply apologize if anyone takes offense to this materal. Please take my sincerest apologizes and my name to the nearest Gucci outlet and they'll send ya a nice discount.

May 5, 2013 Post #3 Viva Italia!



2013 FIAT 500 

 The saying goes, "good things come in small packages" and with this imported beaut, the saying fits perfectly...which is ironic considering the leg-room in this hot Italian!

Now let's get down to the nitty-gritty. I know nothing about this car, so if you are a serious consumer, please find help elsewhere, I will only make your life worse. I'll I can tell you from this picture car is that it is very sleek, sporty and is ALWAYS found next to the coastal highway. Always. And because I have zero knowledge about this matchbox on wheels, I decided to see what "informative" commercials had to offer...and this is what I found.

Wow. Now give it a moment to let everything you have learned sink in. Kind off like the cars when they dove into the ocean. Ready? Okay, let's get this started.  

Now I know we've all dreamed about that car that can fly or talk to us, but here, RIGHT HERE, we have a car that can swim! And now we can careen off a cliff into the ocean with little to no permenant damage. Putting that aside, let's move forward.

To boil this commerical down I've come up with two main focuses: sight and sound.

Sight: I see colors. The colors are bright. Bright colors make me happy. If I buy this car, there will be bright colors that will make me happy. WRONG. This is some kind of critical thinking reasoning fallacy that I forgot as soon as I took the midterm, but nevertheless, it IS a fallacy.

Sound: I see an old man. I see a wedding. I see more old men. I see the ocean. They all see me. Maybe if I drive the new 2013 Fiat 500, everyone will notice me! WRONG. You could run down the street buck-naked screaming, "The gov'ment came an' took mah bay-buh!" and you will still get noticed. You might get locked away, but you will be noticed. Also, when you drive you won't be seeing these things, unless you have the intend to run them over.

Now, combine these two elements and what do we have? A minute and a half commercial depicting a scenic Italian countryside where life continues normally. I don't know about you, but that's all I need to know in order to buy this car. 

In addendum, this commercial is racist! A song called immigration and then cars jump into the water and swim to another country? Doesn't that just scream illegal immigration? Is that what we call subliminal messaging? Well, if it isn't I need to pay more attention in class, but if it does, shame on YOU corporate America...just kidding, please don't discontinue my favorite brands like Uggs or Weight Watchers.

Forever your indentured servant,

Precious.